Daily Archives April 26, 2015

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.December 7 Debug Windows ’98December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 11 Lay Faberge egg.December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts...

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True Newspaper Headlines…OY!

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown...

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Blonde orders a drink.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender…Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.” Bartender:”What is a B and C?”. Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.” Bartender: “What’s a G and T?” Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”Blonde: “I’ll have a15.” Bartender: “What’s a 15?” Blonde: “7 and 7″

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My wife…

My wife’s gone to the West Indies.J’ya make’er?No, Barbados.

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Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff.

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which onegets to the ground first?Answer: The brunette… the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

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