Daily Archives April 25, 2015

Preparing for skiing

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger...

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Grandma\’s peanuts

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”

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Blondes and the painter.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP! “In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?””I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”

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The bad-mouthed parrot!

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.Unfortunately, the old man’s language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.”There,” he said. “Maybe he’ll cool off in there.”For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, “If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary...

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Penquins on Tour

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says “fill it up, please”. The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car areoccupied by penguins.”Hey Buddy” says the attendant to the driver, “These birds can’t be happy like this…they’re wild animals, you should take them to a zooor something..” The motorist agrees to do so.The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels…”What’s this?” he says to the driver, “I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?”The driver says “I did…and they had such a great time that today I’m taking them to the beach.”

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