Daily Archives April 22, 2015

The burglar and the parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlightaround, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player toplace in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darksaying, “Jesus is watching you.”He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, andfroze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clickedthe light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just ashe pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear asa bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for thesource of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, hisflashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

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Camel betting

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, “See that camel over there? I’ll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.The other guy says “No way”.The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel’s legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, “I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no.”The second guy says, “You got me last time, but there’s no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no.”The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, “Remember what I did last time?”. (Camel nods)...

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Three women nicknaming their husbands.

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer’s day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun’s setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: “Sisters, I’ve been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It’s been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell ‘LeRoy!!’ your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it’s time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.”Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, “I think I’ll name my husband ‘Seven-UP'”...

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Just Ducky!

If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as you’re walking by the annoying someone. Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.It will eventually drive them slightly insane!The punchline is: “And then the president said, “But that’s not *my* duck!”What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!

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Marooned

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it’s very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

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