Daily Archives April 18, 2015

No drinking in April

You should “never” drink during tax season.”You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!”

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Grounds for Divorce

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He istaking all of her background information and asks her, “Do you havegrounds for a divorce?”To which she replies, “Well, we have three acres.””No, ma’am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?” asks the attorney.”No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00,” she responds.Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, “Lady, tell me, do youhave a grudge?”Looking very confident she states, “No, we have a carport.”At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, “Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?””Because he can’t hold an intelligent conversation!”

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Blondes & OJ

Did you hear about the blonde that stared at an orange juice can for20 minutes because it said concentrate?

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The Pearly Gates

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”The guy replies, “I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years.”Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven...

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Senior Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on280. Please be careful!””Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

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