Daily Archives April 18, 2015

The Italian

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna twopissa toast. She bring me only one piss.I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet – I say, you nounderstand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no pisson plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don’t even know lady, she calla mesomma ma b*tch.Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy anatell me fa cough! – I don’t even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky’s Place, the waitress shebring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock – Shetell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, Iwanna fock on table...

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Preschoolers learn meat

A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison...

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The new priest gets drunk!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.7...

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Day after Christmas.

It’s the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, “Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?”The youngster responds, proudly, “Ya, Santa brought it for me.”The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, “Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.”Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, “And did Santa bring you that horse?”Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, “Why, yes, he did.”To which Johnny responds, “Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top.”

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Aggies

Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their footballstadium?It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!

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