Category Animals

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr...

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A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me...

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Colonel’s Chickens

The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry
house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his
way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered:
“Come out of there, you ornery thief !”
There was silence for a few seconds, except for the
startled clucking of the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice
boomed out of the darkness :
“Please, Colonel, dey ain’t nobody here ‘cept jes’ us
chickens !”

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Raising suspicions

It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and
a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken
on prohibited ground. ”
Look here, my man,” said the commanding officer
to the farmer who brought the accusation, “are you
quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird?
Will you swear to him?”

“No, I won’t do that,” replied the farmer, “but I
will say he’s the man I suspect o’ doing it.” ”
That’s, not enough to convict a man,” retorted the C. O.,
considerably nettled. “What raised your suspicions ?” ”
Well,” replied the sturdy yeoman, “it was this way • —
I see ‘im on my property with a gun; then I heerd
the gun go off; then I see ‘im putting the chicken in
his knapsack; and it didn’t seem sense nohow to think
the bird committed suicide.”

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Teaching a dog

A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
“My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can’t
teach mine a single trick.”

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: “Well, you
see, it’s this way; you have to know more’n the dog or you can’t learn
him nothin’.”

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